I often reflect on that day. I think about our initial reaction of grief and fear for the future. And how the pain was so raw. I remember the hollow feeling in my chest. The heaviness in my heart. And the unimaginable burden of making a decision. It wasn't the fear of "imperfection". It wasn't the need or want for "perfection" either. It wasn't the "ideal" or even the idea of the "ideal" that was lost. For me, it was the fear of the unknown. I can't believe that was even a thought now, but I didn't know anything but "perfect" with my other babies.
What does perfect look like? The definition of perfect is "having no mistakes or flaws" . So is it the beautiful blue eyed baby that you see at the Grocery store? Is it the chubby cheeked toddler playing in the sand at the park? What about the strong little boy chasing his ball? Is it being the prettiest, the smartest, the most successful? What's your definition of perfect?
I didn't know at the time, in those moments of self pity and despair, that "perfection" was being disguised. I was so consumed by news of the diagnosis, that I was missing what truly was important. We were having a baby! There is nothing more beautiful or perfect than that. If there was any decision to make it was that of any parent in the world. To help my son live the best life possible. To help him fulfill his dreams, reach his goals and be successful at whatever he sets out to do. There are few guarantees in life. But in our eyes, this sweet unborn baby was PERFECT. Extra chromosome and all! And he was already guaranteed to be loved to the moon and back... <3
After working at the Children's Hospital for many years and caring for many children and their families, I have seen enough to say that Down syndrome is more than ok with me. I remember thinking and I even said it out loud on a few occasions... if ever I were given a choice in having a child with special needs, it would be Ds. Is that wrong of me to have thought or even voiced? I don't think so. Because someone was listening. Someone heard my words and blessed us with Lennox. A perfect baby who will grow up and have all the hopes and dreams that every child has. And he IS the beautiful blued eyed baby at the Grocery store. He will be the chubby cheeked cutie in the sand, and the strong little boy running in the field. My sweet child is just as perfect as anyone else's. And he's mine. Well technically I have to share him with the rest of family, but you know what I mean.
I am so thankful that I hung on. I couldn't imagine missing all the love and beauty that Lennox brings to our lives every single day. I can't imagine what life would be like if things were any different. All I know is that this is what our life is supposed to look like. And it's a wonderful life! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What do you choose to see?
As I reflect, I feel the need to clarify (in case anyone is wondering) why I only speak of MY feelings and thoughts in my posts. I'll tell you it's not because my hubby doesn't have any feelings or thoughts...he does. I just don't feel comfortable sharing them in a space that is not his. I will tell you though, Paxton was and is my pillar of strength and that I lean on him more frequently than not. He is an amazing father and a loving and very tolerant husband. Pretty close to perfect, but don't tell him I said that;)
Have a safe and happy long weekend. Happy Easter <3
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