The value of life...

I have been saddened lately...

I am not sad as in upset or down.  I am just feeling kind of sad for what may come.  For the fear of the unknown.  For all the things that may never come or come to be known by my little guy.  Or rather, is it the opposite?  Am I sad for all the things that may come to be for him as a growing child with Down syndrome?  Either way, somehow these thoughts still trouble me.

This summer is going by so fast and my 5 year old seems to be growing and maturing at light speed these days. As I watch him become more independent and confident with each passing day, I have to admit that I find myself wondering what life is going to be like for my unborn son.  Will he be able to play independantly on the play structure?  Will he ask other kids to play?  Will he be "accepted" into games by the other kids on the playground?  Is it wrong of me to wonder these things?  

I know who he will be to Paxton and myself, and to our family.  But I wonder who he will be to others.  Like the kids at the park that don't want to play, or the parents that aren't too friendly when a small child approaches them, chatting away like they're old friends.  I have seen it a few times over the summer at the park, and luckily Magnus is confident enough to move on.  But what will it be like for my other little man, as he grows?  As he exerts his independence and goes out there and tries to make friends and is possibly turned down by kids and adults alike?  This is what saddens me.  I have no idea how I will be able to handle that.  I want to be able to protect him, and I know that I will not always be able to do that, and that tugs at my heart.

It upsets me that I am even thinking like that.  I am very happy.  We all are happy and eagerly anticipating his arrival.  And I don't care about what other people think or even how they may conduct themselves around me.  I just worry for him.  We, as a family already love the idea of who he is and all that he will be.  And soon enough, we will meet him and introduce him to the world.  I, of course will be a proud momma as any woman and her new baby.  And Magnus will be the proudest of all!  I guess I just want everyone to feel what I feel, and I know that won't always be the case.  

When I see my 5 year old bounce around the park making friends or not, I rest easy knowing that he is secure with who is is and he knows that we love him and that is all he really needs to know.  And it will be the exact same for his baby brother.  I have no doubt about that.  He will be strong, secure and very much loved. So I will lay the uneasy thoughts to rest and focus on all the good that lies ahead of each and everyone of us, especially our baby boy.  And that is something to look forward to!  16 short weeks to go....!

 Proud big brother

Fetal Echo

I had a fetal echocardiogram on Wednesday at 21 weeks, just to be sure that baby boy's heart looked good.  There were no structural abnormalities seen at 18 weeks but was a limited scan at that time.  This scan was a lot more thorough and took over an hour.  Thankfully there were no surprises. His heart looks perfect with a regular rate and rhythm.  He still has that small pericardial effusion which is apparently "typical" in a babe with chromosomal abnormalities, so they will continue to monitor it but aren't concerned. I will be going for ultrasounds every 3-4 weeks though, for the rest of the pregnancy to keep an eye on his growth.  Apparently, he is at risk for IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction).  Of all the literature I have read, I have never come across that tidbit of information, but I will trust the perinatologists and do whatever is best for my little monkey.

At the moment, he is growing well and was extremely active throughout the entire scan.  He weighs just over a pound and Magnus has felt some of his kicks and jabs with his little hand.  He gets super excited with each movement he feels and always asks "when is he coming out?".  

It is such a relief to know that he won't need heart surgery. I will pray for those little ones who do...  Amen!

The Beauty within...

After learning the confirmed diagnosis our baby would be born with Down syndrome, I was also surprised to learn that only 1/10 couples decide to continue with their pregnancy. That means 90% of women decide to terminate.  It seems like such a high number to me and quite honestly, I was surprised.  I am not judging by any stretch...it was a very difficult position to be in.  I empathize with any woman faced with the decision.  Making the best choice for my family and I was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I have always had strong feelings about abortion and it was not something I thought I could do no matter what the diagnosis, but I admit, I still struggled with it, nonetheless.  I don't think you can truly say what you'd do, until you are in the position to make that decision.  And at the end of the day, it is what is best for you and your family that matters most. And once the decision is made, there is no turning back.  It was a difficult and very emotional time for me, and I am so glad that part is over.  I can honestly say that I am at peace...the past is history and I am looking forward to the future and all the beauty my sweet baby will bring to me and to our family.

Since then I have obviously been doing alot of research and reading alot of books.  Aside from the learning delays and disabilities and all of the possible health risks, I have learned that babies, children and adults with Down syndrome have just as much potential as anyone else.  And to me, that is a beautiful thing.  Who are we to set limits and lower our expectations based on a number of chromosomes?  We all want what's best for our children.  And every child needs love, encouragement and someone to believe in them.  It is within our own ability to see the potential and beauty of our children, that will help them thrive, to grow, to learn...and to become the best adults they can be!

I stumbled across an article the other day that summarizes my thoughts.  It is written from a father's perspective, which I always find so heartwarming... You can read it here

In this short amount of time I have learned so much just from reading.  I know I will learn so much more once our little guy arrives, but in the meantime preparing is all I can do.  I often find myself searching crowds in the mall, bookstore or grocery store.  Looking for little ones with Down syndrome.  I'm not sure why, or what exactly I am looking for or hoping to see.  Perhaps I am searching for a little one that could possibly resemble our baby?  I feel that families of children with special needs are part of an invisible circle.  One that joins us together without even knowing or even saying word to each other.  Although I am still awaiting the arrival of my wee one, I feel like we already share a special bond.  One that would never had even existed if it weren't for Down syndrome.  Pretty beautiful...!