I am not sad as in upset or down. I am just feeling kind of sad for what may come. For the fear of the unknown. For all the things that may never come or come to be known by my little guy. Or rather, is it the opposite? Am I sad for all the things that may come to be for him as a growing child with Down syndrome? Either way, somehow these thoughts still trouble me.
This summer is going by so fast and my 5 year old seems to be growing and maturing at light speed these days. As I watch him become more independent and confident with each passing day, I have to admit that I find myself wondering what life is going to be like for my unborn son. Will he be able to play independantly on the play structure? Will he ask other kids to play? Will he be "accepted" into games by the other kids on the playground? Is it wrong of me to wonder these things?
I know who he will be to Paxton and myself, and to our family. But I wonder who he will be to others. Like the kids at the park that don't want to play, or the parents that aren't too friendly when a small child approaches them, chatting away like they're old friends. I have seen it a few times over the summer at the park, and luckily Magnus is confident enough to move on. But what will it be like for my other little man, as he grows? As he exerts his independence and goes out there and tries to make friends and is possibly turned down by kids and adults alike? This is what saddens me. I have no idea how I will be able to handle that. I want to be able to protect him, and I know that I will not always be able to do that, and that tugs at my heart.
It upsets me that I am even thinking like that. I am very happy. We all are happy and eagerly anticipating his arrival. And I don't care about what other people think or even how they may conduct themselves around me. I just worry for him. We, as a family already love the idea of who he is and all that he will be. And soon enough, we will meet him and introduce him to the world. I, of course will be a proud momma as any woman and her new baby. And Magnus will be the proudest of all! I guess I just want everyone to feel what I feel, and I know that won't always be the case.
When I see my 5 year old bounce around the park making friends or not, I rest easy knowing that he is secure with who is is and he knows that we love him and that is all he really needs to know. And it will be the exact same for his baby brother. I have no doubt about that. He will be strong, secure and very much loved. So I will lay the uneasy thoughts to rest and focus on all the good that lies ahead of each and everyone of us, especially our baby boy. And that is something to look forward to! 16 short weeks to go....!
Proud big brother
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