Prenatal Diagnosis

So this is my 8th pregnancy and will be baby #5 for our growing family.  

It all came as a huge surprise as both my husband and I felt we were "done" in the baby department.  With 4 children ranging in ages from 5 to 18years old...we definately saw our lives as complete. 

So when I saw the 2 little pink lines, I knew our life was going to take a turn, not a bad turn, just a little detour.  And we were taken back a little bit by this unexpected surprise.  We chose to wait to share our news with the rest of our family and friends.  Not to keep it a secret, but just to make sure everything was a "go", I guess.  I have had numerous miscarriages since the birth of our 4th child, and thought this pregnancy would be no different.

Long story, short.  The little bean stuck.

So...10 weeks ago, we discovered our family will grow by one.  We chose to have the 12 week scan because of my "late maternal age".  As soon as she put the probe on my belly and started measuring the nuchal thickness I knew in my heart it wasn't a normal measurement.  But I held my breath, in hopes that I was wrong.  We met with the Perinatologist's nurse following the scan and she confirmed my fears.  My estimated risk has increased to 1:2 for Trisomy 21.  We left the office, heads low and heavy hearts.  We soon met with the Genetic counsellors and they explained everything to us from the results to the different syndromes to the options available to us at that time.  We chose to go ahead and have a CVS, but had to wait another 9 days before they could schedule an appointment.  The procedure went smoothly and we were to have the results in 5 days.  We tried to go about our usual business...work, school, kid's work and activities and so on.  I did a good job of hanging in there.  Until Tuesday came.  I watched the clock all day, trying not to think about what I may hear at the end of the day.  And on my drive home from work I had a mini anxiety attack.  My heart was racing and my breathing was so fast.  Do I race home?  Or do I take my time...?

When I returned home, my little guy was playing a game and I just sat there.  Literally just sat there, engaging in the game when I could.  Waiting for that call was agonizing.  Then it came...Boom!  "Yes, the baby has Down syndrome."  My baby has Down syndrome?  MY baby has Down syndrome.  My husband called just after I hung up the phone with the Perinatologist.  The tears just came and didn't stop for nearly 3 days.  Not continuously, but frequently and just out of the blue.  If I talked about it, I cried.  If I thought about it, I cried.  We didn't talk about anything for 2 days.  I needed to be by myself, to process, to grieve, to figure this all out.  I felt very alone, even though it was what I wanted and needed.

"There are options..." they said.  Just hearing those words tore me up inside.  There was no option in my heart.  My baby is MY baby, Down syndrome or not.  I was already feeling him move and my belly was growing bigger by the day.  How could I take all that away?  The diagnosis was not the daunting part in all of this.  It was the choice I had to make.  For me, my husband and our family.  It was tremendous pressure.  I felt one way, but my head was challenging my heart.  How could I do this?  How will it affect our family either way?  It was the most difficult position I have ever been in and it was devastating.  What if I made the wrong choice?  I knew that I would lose a very big part of me as a person and as a mother if I chose to end everything.  I knew I was strong enough to take on any challenge thrown my way.  But I was unsure of how the rest of the gang would cope.  I chose to tell my older children.  Not to have them decide for me, but to have their input.  They are my world and how they felt may have helped me feel better about my choice.  All three were very supportive.  They had concerns, but more for their dad and me, not anything else.  There were tears and lots of hugs and lots of love.  I have the best kids in the world!

In a nut shell, I chose to Keep Calm and Carry on.  It's only an extra chromosome!