I'm sitting here looking out the window of our room at the Children's Hospital. Watching the traffic come and go as people hurry home for the long weekend. I am in my own little world here, taking it day by day, watching Lennox go through peaks and valleys of his road to recovery. It has been a crazy nine days since his birth. And as his mother, I find myself beginning to doubt myself and my abilities to properly provide for him. A terrible feeling to have. And the hormonal roller coaster I'm on doesn't help either:(
Lennox was admitted to the hospital for the second time since discharge. Once for phototherapy at 2 days of age and again on Monday for increased lethargy, poor feeding and low body temperature.
Not so thrilled to be under the lights and away from Mommy:(
You would think by baby numbe five, I would know what i was doing. and maybe even have a few tricks up my sleeve. But no. Every baby is different. What I thought was effective feeding turned out not to be the case. And due to his jaundice and inadequate intake landed us here for the week. He struggles to maintain his oxygen saturation levels and is requiring a wee bit of oxygen, which we may end up going home on. He is only awake for short periods at a time which is making me doubt my ability to adequately feed him enough. It is so difficult to watch him lay there so still. It breaks my heart in two. He wasn't the same baby he was a mere 18 hours earlier. How things can turn on a dime. Luckily I was in the right place when he took a turn. Thank you all ACH staff, you all are amazing at what you do!
He had a full work up done to rule out Sepsis. He got an IV in his left hand, a catheter to collect a sterile urine specimen, nasal aspirations for RSV, and 9 other viruses, and a lumbar puncture. That was a lot for a little person to endure in the first week of life. Luckily, everything came back negative.
I had a hard time holding it together. I felt so out of control. Nothing I did seemed to make a difference. His feeding remained poor despite my efforts to breast feed. The LC came in and offered some excellent advice. I thought we were well on our way to fattening up my little monkey. Turns out nursing is hard work and he was tiring too quickly to feed effectively. As much as it broke my heart, I knew I had to offer him the bottle. I figured with less effort, he may stand a chance at gaining weight. Even with the bottle, he still would struggle to finish. Because he is so small and struggles to maintain his weight, he tires quickly that his oxygen level goes down during feeding and sleeping. He required oxygen to help keep his saturations above 92%. We tried to wean him off before going home, but the little muffin couldn't do it. So it looks like we'd head home with extra luggage, an oxygen tank.
My family and friends were amazing and the love and support was endless. Friends came during the day and the fam jam came for snuggles at night
As hard as the week was, it was a forced rest for me. Since home the first time, I was trying to get back into the routine I left before the baby. In hospital, it was just Lennox and I. There were no other demands but to try and help him get better. It was truly a bonding experience for us. Not that I had any trouble with that. I was in love from the moment I heard his cry in the OR:)
I was so thankful to be in my place of work. I was surrounded by friends and coworkers that came to visit us daily, bringing coffee, treats and meals and lots of supportive hugs. We are truly blessed to be surrounded by such a wonderful group. I will be forever grateful to my friends that made a difficult time, less stressful by just being there to cuddle baby Lennox and offer me support in any way I needed it. Thank you girls, you know who you are. You are the best and I love ya!
So home bound again...this time to stay.
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